Unsatisfactory answers to “why do I feel like shit”

“I don’t know”

At least one is honest. It is however by definition not a fucking answer.

“Because my brain chemicals are messed up”

This feels like a cop-out, I mean, surely everything we perceive is because our brain chemicals are messed up in some way? From falling in love to eating a burrito, it’s all just neurotransmitters, so this doesn’t really shed any light on what particular aspect of my own personal chemistry is getting me down.

I could try and be more specific:

My brain chemicals are messed up such that right now, I have a lower level of serotonin than I’m accustomed to; therefore, I feel like shit.

Me

This now borders on pseudoscience – short of clinical testing, how the fuck do I know what’s actually going on inside my body? How do I know what my ‘usual level’ of seratonin is, and what a deviation from this is?

Furthermore, this answer is garbage because it doesn’t offer any insight into what’s potentially screwing up my neurotransmitters. Is it genetic, some maladaptive trait with a basis in evolutionary psychology? Is it a deficiency in 5-HTP? Does God just hate me? Who knows.

“Because I slept like shit”

This one is better because it’s probably true, but it’s still a sucky answer because I sleep like shit all the time and I don’t normally daydream about doing backflips from a bridge or suiciding-by-cop. NEXT.

Achewood: https://achewood.com/index.php?date=12182008

“Because I got depression”

“Why are you depressed?” “Oh I guess that’s because I feel like shit.”

Even ignoring the circular logic, this one’s just not satisfactory. Within the last year, I’ve been feeling generally stable and positive, to the extent that I’m reluctant to self-identify as depressed. Until today, anyway.

So maybe this is just straight-up untrue – what if I’m just being a little bitch who needs to stop whining into the ether? Isn’t labeling myself depressive just a slap in the face to people with real mental health problems?

Gonna stop analysing this one before I gaslight myself into a loony bin.

“Because the planet is fucked”

Duh.

Like “because I slept like shit”, this one is tautologically true.

Also, the planet is fucked for everybody, not just the depressives (double-duh). Why would I be the only one all down-in-the-dumps about it?

“Because I read/watched/listened-to something emotionally moving”

This is just fucking weird.

Today I finished a chapter of Chasing the Scream about the successful struggle of an activist/junkie in Vancouver to change the institutions oppressing him and his fellow man. It was a touching story with just about the most positive ending you could ask for, but since reading it I just got sadder and sadder and sadder until I was just like vacantly staring for like half an hour, trying to call any of my friends without any idea what to say.

This one only makes sense to me because I know I really struggle to do basic emotional processing. Joyful situation => feeling good, right? SORRY WE MIXED UP YOUR ORDER, ENJOY THIS PLATE OF NOTHING INSTEAD.

Maybe I’ve just read too much bleak sci-fi, where even the happy endings usually involve the violent death of everyone I’ve become attached to. Fuck you Peter Watts, now I can only get off on emotional degradation.

“Because I am a piece of shit”

Hmmm interesting! Do go on!

“Because I’m not smoking enough weed”

This one would be an easy fix, if I wasn’t in fucking Munich.

Amsterdam, baby, just hold on – we can be together again soon.

Achewood: https://achewood.com/index.php?date=02022007https://achewood.com/index.php?date=02022007

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